Say Hello to Song #9 in this year’s Song-A-Month antics, and I should warn you that there lies herein some language of an explicit nature. Now, I quite enjoy colorfully risqué conversation, though for whatever reason it’s not something I’ll often put in a song. But this, my friend, is a rap song full of comical hyper-masculinity (to my ears anyway), and it just seemed to flow right out.
[Yes, I know: there’s not much more pathetic than a balding, bespectacled 64-year old white dude trying to rap. Hear me out though. Back in 1986/87, I was playing in a band, writing songs and trying to get gigs. I also had a job DJ-ing for a company that provided entertainment for weddings, high school reunions, high school dances, etc. We had to know and own a wide variety of music, and rap was really busting out mainstream with that Run-DMC album and the Beastie Boys, etc. crashing the gates, so it was a popular sound among the yutes. I was particularly fond of songs like Whodini’s “I’m A Ho” and “Funky Beat”… as well as so many by others that were funny and cartoonish, and just naughty enough to keep things interesting.
It didn’t take long for me to try to make up my own little rap, and this song was the result. Yeah, that’s right, and it’s true. This thing has been sitting in my brain for forty years! Every so often I’d pull it out and polish it up a little bit, but I never had the walnuts to actually do anything with it besides the occasional in-person preview for friends when the moment seemed appropriate. I don’t know if this moment is appropriate for unleashing it on a frazzled and bedazzled world, but we both know – if indeed you’re still here reading this – that the number of people that will hear it could probably fit in my car, and I still think it’s quite absurdly hysterical even after all this time.]
So here I am, full of braggadocio, hoping you’ll follow me back to the mid-80s for two-and-a-half minutes of bump-bump be-dump.
LYRICS
Hey little girlies I’m KBJ
And I love my ladies in a special way
I don’t treat ’em kind
I don’t treat ’em mean
I give ’em some a-lovin’ that’s a-in-between
Yeah they know where to get it
Coz they got it from me
I’m the master jam muther on the turntablee
Scratch!
Got a girl from France
She taught me to dance
But I didn’t have to change my batting stance
She’s my Duck Woman
D-U-C-K
Got a bill on her face and it gets in my way
When all the little chickies come clucking around
She go quack quack quack and they all stand down
Yup!
I wanna talk about the time when I fell in a hole
A big dog push me and he stole my soul
Then he walk to the bank with his dick in his hand
He say “Gimme million dollar fucker I’m the Man”
The banker say, “Ho! You’re the dude with the duck!”
Doggy say nothin’ ’cause he run outta luck
And me I’m just a hee in a great big sea
I try to live my life energetically
Duck!
Chick!
Dawg.
Dick!
Duck Woman
Duck Woman
Duck Woman